Stopped Breathing

In our life we can get such moments that we feel like we are stopping to breath or in the worst case that we are stopping to live.

Twice in my life I faced for myself that I saw the end of the road. Once my family had to wait for two days before they knew if I was going to make it and had a change to stay alive. Afterwards they had the agony to feed and help me like a new born. And in a certain way I was new born. I got to recollect my lost memory, had to learn to move everything again, and most interesting I took the courage to take up the thread of life being assured of Whom had given me this life again.

Jaap Vermeulen, Jacoplane in a Neonatal intensive care unit (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Though days like today, having so much pain, I could cry out in the dark (and in the light), I am full of hope and enjoy very much this life full of ordinary but also very special little things. Every day we get is another beautiful day offered to us by the Utmost High Creator.

Most of the time I now spend preaching the Good News, trying to bring the Good Tidings as far as I can.

I also take some time to read articles on the internet and to react on them. This way I did also encounter Sheena, a lover of God, her site “An imperfect life“. It was not the first time today I came along her site today. Previously I found it a pitty she did not provide a way to give an other reaction then just clicking the ‘Like’ button.  Only afterwards I noticed at the top there where comments given to articles and did find a way to make them.

Reading When They Stopped Breathing, feeling that something had to be said for those who really found some one in their midst who stopped breathing for good, which could take some more words than would be welcome on her site, therefore here a reaction.

When my wife lost an unborn child, we felt the end of the ‘breathing’. And at that time it looked horrible. Many questions going through our heads.

When Sheena heard the doctors warning her that the chances of survival for her triplet she was going to expect was minimal and that they might lose any or all of the babies they were advised to go for a fetal reduction that would remove one baby, thereby increasing the chances of survival for the remaining two.  Lovely they made a choice, which seems not such a bad one not to do that. After 50 days they could finally take their babies home.

Though already in the maternity ward it seems that she found Judah with his eyes open having a vacant look in them.  The baby couldn’t breathe.

New-born baby on life support machines, in incubator on long term ventilation. Intubated, ventilator performing 100% of breathing. Food and fluid through intravenous lines. 2 days old. Needs lots of care, much like new editors on Wikipedia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Exactly a year since her boys left the NICU it had been a rough week and her husband was ill. Jason got infected and his temperature wasn’t going down in spite of the medication. After a doctor prescribed him a stronger syrup. At night Jason wasn’t responding to any sound and later  Jason was having convulsions. The parents splashed water on him and when it didn’t stop, the child was rushed to the nearest hospital.

Once again they prayed, trusting God for Jason’s life. Jason woke up after a few hours, and he was perfectly fine. He responded to their voices and to other sounds around him. His fever disappeared (and didn’t return for at least a month). To the parents, that was a miracle – considering that he brought out the medicine he was given at the hospital.

Sheena had her triplets being 3 year old rambunctious boys – sweethearts who played rough when her Jon had a bad cold, but he was cheerful and played with his brothers, but suddenly collapsed on the floor. I can imagine the chock which much have gone through their head, not being able to find him breathing again. (She only tells about her husband trying to revive Jon in what seems to be half an hour later, instead of having that done straight ahead.)

In her desperation, the helpless woman cried out to God, pleading with Him for Jon’s life. She urged the young Jason and Judah to pray for their brother, and they gladly agreed. The three of them prayed – although she doubt Jason and Judah understood the magnanimity of the situation. All they knew was that “Jon fell down near the door, so Dada took him to the hospital.” At the hospital, the doctors suspected a febrile seizure and treated him accordingly.

That are moments also other people have encountered in their life which may haunt them for years.

Such incidents let people think more about life, the value of it, and our limitations. It’s in those moments when we can’t do anything but pray that we realize our dependence on God.

We may not forget those people who after some frightening moments, which may have looked, hours … had to face the reality of life and had to accept that their child would be not any more part of this world.

The shock of discovering that your baby is no longer breathing, moving, alive within is devastating beyond words. When a baby dies during pregnancy, there are often known medical reasons, placental problems, high blood pressure, diabetes or an abnormality of the baby. Sometimes however, the causes are unknown, leaving parents bewildered wondering what went so horribly wrong or “How could this happen to me?”

The profound pain that follows can be intensely consuming and often misunderstood by family and friends. No parent wishes to hear, nor discover that their baby has died. While many parents can barely function in these early days, amidst the surreal experience and the emotional turmoil, there are choices to be made.

For those who lost an unborn child I would like to bring a word of encouragement and trying to help them to overcome their grieve. ‘Heart pain’ shall stay. And years later you probably, as we shall still muse what could have happened or how your daughter or son would be at that time, what she or he would do, etc.. For several months or years that dead person has been part of you. Part of your life. That can never be undone.

It may take ages to come over it, and I must say even today writing about this subject I still get goose pimples and think about our expectations and the lovely moments we shared together, mother, son and daughter never to come to live.

But life continues and things have to be done. Perhaps it may look harsh, but you are best to tackle those things which have to be done. All the paperwork, making decisions and undertaking necessary arrangements.

Everybody shall tackle the situation differently, surely about the arranged room and prepared cod. I, my self would suggest to take everything away and to try to make it as comfortable for those who are in the house, not having to be confronted every moment about what is missing.
Dare also to take time to be with your feelings, allowing yourself to grieve and allowing your partner to grieve in his own way. Every person will react to the death of their baby in their own way. Each person’s emotions and beliefs will differ from every other person who is confronted with this loss. There is no ‘correct way’ to grieve and partners will usually feel differently at different stages. Accepting these differences may be hard to comprehend and can cause difficulties in close relationships. I would suggest not to put any expectations on others. do not try to impose on others how they ‘should be feeling’ or what they ‘should be doing’ after the death of their baby. Let them free, but let them know you are there for them.
Talking with your partner, family, friends or your caregivers can give you support and direction at this time.

In case you do have the impression nobody understands you or that you can not cope with your own feelings it is no bad idea to accept that you do not need to handle it on your own and that you do not have to shame yourself for looking for help. Most hospitals have special staff (usually social workers) who are experienced in supporting parents after the death of their child, and who will provide the information that you need to help you make the appropriate choices you feel comfortable with. Those professionals shall not judge the way you feel or what you are thinking.

May I also suggest that you let your feelings come out as they overcome you. Cry when you feel like crying. If you are angry say so. Also accept that the partner may have difficult moments and that the situation may give him some tempers. Allow your pain to flow and release the feelings you have inside, they need to be expressed at some time. Grief is part of the healing process. It is dynamic and ever changing.

On Sheena Steve  her website people perhaps do not find the way to react and cry out their heart. But sometimes it can be necessary to talk about it to come over it. Perhaps it can take many years before there is a time ripe to bring up to the surface again and to talk about it. To talk about it openly is even more difficult. But on the other hand it may be some way to help others to overcome a similar agony.

My wife and I after all our sorrow felt that it had to be that way. We blame nobody. I myself am happy what God has given me and look forward to the blessings He is still giving me.

We always are better to count those blessings.

As she writes: “We couldn’t look beyond the day we were living. God was giving us a triple blessing, but alongside was tripled the morning sickness, weariness and emotional turmoil. It was just God’s grace that led us one day at a time… and He never took a day off !!!”

I do hope she may continue to see and to count the blessings God is giving her.

And we who can read her and others their story on the international available internet, can share our thoughts and show others how we are thankful to God, for what we can have. It has totally no use to mourn for what we can not have.

Look up! Take the day as it comes. Try to make the best out of it.

And most important, let also bad happenings in your life play a good part. I have had to face more than once very bad things in my life, which I do not wish to any body. But those horrible things have strengthened me, and to be honest, I also made already several times use of those bad experiences to help others in distress.

The bad happenings I tried to turn to the good. And I think that is the best what we can do with bad experiences.

Often people let themselves be blinded by bad circumstances, instead of seeing the light which shines so much brighter if they are willing to take a step further.

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Please do find:

1. How it all began…
2. When they stopped breathing:

3. 1. When They Stopped Breathing ~ Judah
   2. When They Stopped Breathing ~ Jason
   3. When They Stopped Breathing ~ Jon

4. Count your blessings
5. Baby Turtles and Baby Girls — Thoughts on Sending a Child Off to College
6. Stillborn baby or death of a newborn
7. The blessing of a broken leg
8. A treasure which can give me everything I need
9. Even in tough times remembering the blessings
10. Give your worries to God
11. Power in the life of certain
12. Do not be so busy adding up your troubles
13. Control your destiny or somebody else will
14. If you want to go far in life
15. A Living Faith #5 Perseverance
16. Thanking God by thinking of people
17. God should be your hope

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